This is me. Basically I feel empty, broken, incomplete. I try not to feel the way I do so I smile and I laugh and I drink but on the inside I still feel…less. Like I should be more. I’m afraid to cut loose and do all the things I know I can because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of how my loved ones will look at me if I fail. I’m afraid of what it will be like when I fall asleep every night and reflect on myself. I think too much, I don’t think enough. No one knows me because I don’t know me. I can be on a high and no one will ever know how broken I am but then I crash and no one knows how to pick up the pieces, not even me. I want to please everyone because I don’t know what to do to please myself. I’m lost but I’m scared to find myself.
I’ve never been in love. I’m too scared. The closest attempt I ever had ended in an epic failure and ever since then it scares me. I’m not scared of falling in love; I’m just scared of loving the wrong person. I don’t trust my own judgment I guess. I never let people in because I don’t feel like the kind of man that I want would want me back. So I get scared and I ruin every chance I have of finding someone to be with. I’m the biggest cynic I know. I honestly don’t believe in “everlasting love” I guess. I feel like people have passion and then it turns to companionship and eventually fades to comfortability. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. But I laugh at other people’s relationships and always doubt true love. I don’t try to be that way but in my mind if it’s too good to be true then it must not be true. I wish I could just stop being so guarded and be happy for once.
